Breaking Silence

Hello Everyone, I hope your new year is off to a great start! For me, things have begun anew. 2 Cor 5:17 "He makes all things new." That's a promise I'm hanging onto these days... I haven't written in a few weeks because for a week weeks I haven't been doing well. (It's hard to share when I am so deeply troubled and confused. I want to share, and to be honest, but I don't want to bring anyone down with me, either). It's also intimidating because I learned that some of you are actually reading my blog! But here it goes, for the sake of you knowing what's going on in my life. The internship was put on hold for the holidays. Thus, I spent two days the weekend before Christmas, with friends and family, and we went to see the Christmas lights in Leavenworth. It was beautiful and amazing, and good to see my friends and family. (Maybe a little difficult because I didn't really get to spend quality time with any of them). I went back to the daily grind for a few weeks, and then FINALLY got to go home Christmas Eve. Had a quite Christmas, but got to see all my lovely family - even Jake and Joanna (!! :)) "The daily grind" had taken quit a toll on me...and I hadn't even noticed it. For days after being home, I was irritable and restless. And angry; something I haven't been for a long sometime. But I just couldn't find peace. (Not even in walking up and down the beach a million times). I didn't realize that all the time I had spent alone here in Burien, had caused me to become a selfish, calloused person. Left alone too long during the day...just to ponder my sins and doubt a loving God who created me for a GOOD purpose. To give me HOPE and a FUTURE. For the past couple weeks, I have been pushing God away, and alienating myself from anyone or anything pertaining to the Christian faith. Thankfully, being home completly changed that. It began with an epic adventure to a Buddist Monastary. Ironic, right? It was there, on a very peaceful lake at the monastary, that my little brother and I had a very deep and raw discussion about life. In a way, I think we both "cracked" and "spilled the beans" about where we honestly, and truely are in our "walk with Christ" - our relationship with God. I have to admit...mine hasn't been much of a relationship lately. Because of my most resent messups, I've been afraid to approach God. Fearful that he was done with me, and would just cast me out of his presence. Because I believed that I don't deserve forgivness, I didn't ask for it. I just backed away from God....further, further...and a little further. It's gets easier to break the heart of God when you convince yourself he doesn't care, and doesn't love you. Problem is, I know God loves me. That was evident in the face of dear little brother, who though frustrated and hurt by me, was also deeply concerned for me. Anyways, we talked, and immediately I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. It was good to let some things go. A few days later, I went out for coffee with my Mom. But at this point, I had slightly crawled back into my shell, and my heart was hard towards her, and towards God. But thankfully, that was broken by a random act of kindness by my mother. After coffee, we went to search for a new furniture peace for the house. But my gaze was drawn to a lovely $10 dress - next to a few other lovely dresses. I mentioned them to my Mom expecting to be shut down immediatly, but to my surprise was encouraged to try them on! So try them on I did, and prance around the tiny antique store showing them off to my Mother, and the lady working there. Though we expected to get the black dress, we were surprised to find a more simple, but elegant gray dress fit PERFECTLY. It looked so lovely, and fit so perfectly that I didn't even take it off. I fell in love with it right then, and there, and wore it the rest of the day. When my Mom smiled and offered to buy it for me, the hardness in my heart shattered, and I became a completly new person. Never have I loved her more, and been so overwhelmed with gratefulness and joy. (Funny how something seemingly insignificant, can mean so much to a person). A blessing from my Mom yes, but it was a blessing from God as well. I spent the rest of that day sky high - trying to go everywhere and see everyone to show off my beautiful new dress that made me feel like a million dollars. I made it to a construction rental store and the grocery store, but hey, better than nothing right? (haha). After that, and a short visit with an encouraging neighbor, I spent the rest of the day running on trails and hiking the bluff at the beach. The next day, guess that would be Sat. I cleaned the house and then sprinted to Jon and Kelley's house to say hi, and try to plan something for a New Year's Eve Celebration. (One that would keep me from going to a party and doing something I would regret later...) Later that day, two of my friends kidnapped me. We had an awkward and painful conversation, that at the time really irritated me, (If I wanted to ruin my life, let me!) but in the end, their deep concern for wore me down and broke my heart. I couldn't really bear to break their hearts...but I also coudln't promise that I wouldn't go - so I guess I put them through hell too...just worrying about me. As it turns out, my connection to the party bailed, and thus I couldn't go. Though I was pissed, and I was also relieved. All I wanted to do, was dress up sexy and go out, and celebrate the new year! Praise God for David who was determined to make that happen! Here's how my night ended up: epic and perfect. David and I got dressed up sexy and cute, and went out to a nice restraunt with an awesome view. We ate and drank lavishly, and had a wonderful time, and our waiter was hilarious! After 3 or 4 cups of coffee, I was pretty pumped up and being myself. So we raced to the store, bought Mom some nice tea, then stopped in at a party (just for a second) so I could say Hi to a couple of girlfriends also home for the holidays. It was so good to see them! But, then we raced to the ferry and sped over to Trakks to meet some more friends for racing Gokarts! I, being in a dress, had to wear my friend's clothes, and thus look like a dude, but it was well worth it to feel the adrenaline of the racing; and the freezing wind in my face, and the painful tension in my arms from gripping the wheel too tightly...I held my own for a bit, but then lost quite drastically. Dagnabit. It was awesome though! Turns out, my love for drifting around corners, and feeling totally BA while doing so...slows me down a lot. So to get in the game for racing, I have to actually touch the brakes. Bummer. But hey, watch out, I'm gonna learn, and then I will keep your butt!! After that epicness, we raced for the ferry boat again, and made it home around 11:45. Just in time to collect Mom and head to the beach for some fireworks! We launched a few, joined in the screaming and blessing of the new year. 2011 went out with a bang,(literally) and 2012 was welcomed in with joyful expectations! (HOPE)! (I wrote later in my journal "Apparently this is our last year ever; lets make it count!!" and that's exactly what I want to do this year.) So far it has started off well - went to Church on Sunday. My first time in a long time being back in a traditional church with the word of God really preached from the pulpit. My heart, by the loving care of friends and family (and thus God who I believe and know was behind it all...)had been completly transformed. I was so full of joy and peace, and I was ready to run back into the arms of God. Happy that He was still waiting for me; not condemning me, not hating me me, not angry at me, not remembering my sin. I am FREE! I asked for forgivness, I've gotten it. Time to move on, and move forward knowing I am loved, and I am being made new everyday. Everyday is a clean start. Fresh outa church and renewed, I went out for coffee to get my triple shot latte I was craving. Pumped up on that, and I went home and packed everything I owned in about 30 seconds and jumped in the car with the boys to head up to the Mountains! We got there around 3, and had a blast sledding! After a few stops...I was dumped out in Burien. Not ready for the party to end, and I got together with my second family here (The Pratts) and we went and saw a great movie called "In Time". It was so great to see them, and I am so excited for what this new year is going to hold. Be it healing and restoration, or more tragedy and heart break...I am choosing to trust the Lord. Okay, I'm out. I have things to do, and places to be! (Work). (Please do continue to pray for me though. This is an extremely hard time during my life, and I am easily confused and discouraged.I love you all so much, and I appreciate your love and concern immensely! You have been Jesus to me this week, and it made ALL the difference. Thank you) God Bless you all, and I hope you all have an amazing new year!! Make it count!