I have to admit, trusting God all the time - is REALLY hard. I didn't feel like it today, and I certainly didn't want to last night. I wanted to mope in despair, and yell and scream, and be angry at the injustice of life. (I think having a hurt knee and having to give up all my precious and adored outdoor recreation - began it's toll on me.) Laugh if you will (please do), but I MISS exercising. I miss the way it makes me feel happy, healthy, alive...I miss the times Mom and I would go for jogs together...I miss feeling like I accomplished something.
I hate being stuck indoors in a messy house, that no matter how many times I clean - it is trashed again the next day. I hate that I have so many books to read, it stresses me out thinking I will never get to spend adequate time to really study all of them. I hate that when I desperately want to spend time with God, our time feels forced and rushed. I hate when I pray, and nothing seems to happen. I hate when I have a bad attitude, and I make life miserable for other people too.
- Now hate is an extremely strong word...so let's just say, I don't actually hate those things...they just get me discouraged, and they are what I focus on when I am not focusing on God.
I am so human, and SO imperfect. I like to try really hard to be perfect....but I fail epic-ly every time. That is why today, I was reminded again that I am human. I am not perfect. I can do nothing good on my own, because there is nothing good in me. Only God is good. Only God is perfect. and only God can truly love those around me the way they need to be loved.
So today, I choose to trust God. I choose to remember that he is good, all the time, and he is kindness, and he is love. I choose to focus on Him, and the love he has for me, and for you, and for everybody all the time. I'm not walking this road a lone, I can't even pretend to... I am not alone. He walks right beside me, Emmanuel - God is with us. "....be sure of this; I am with you wherever you go." Work. Church. The bathroom. (Hahaha, ok had to throw that in... because it sometimes perplexes me). School. Your car. Your heart. Your thoughts. Your emotions.
Nothing is to big of a problem for God. Trust me, you may be a mess (hey, me too!) but God is in control. He really is. He is someone you can trust. He has your best interests in mind. Surrender....trust the Lord. He loves you. You are not alone. He is right beside you.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Destiny
Destiny.
Future. Hopes, dreams. Crushed hope, shattered dreams. despair. Dark night of the soul. Light at the end of the tunnel....
This pretty much sums up my past year. I graduated from high school with such huge, grand plans for my life - and a rock solid trust in God. But when reality slammed me in the face, I began to doubt God's plan and tried to secure my future by going to college. It didn't work, and only made me more miserable. It ruined my summer as well, and after a tormenting period of psychological and emotional hell, I still decided I could not return to school.
The pain was unbearable. I disappointed myself, and I disappointed others. I waited to the last second to bail, and that only made it worse. I hated myself, and was pretty sure God was angry at me too.
Days after deciding not to go back to school, I heard of an internship with a great organization that worked in Africa, so following my heart, I jumped right in. It seemed perfect. I knew I needed to be brought closer to God, and my heart has always longed to care for the "least of these." This seemed like the perfect way to allow God to work on my heart right where I was at in America, and also provided a hope that in the future, maybe I could still go to Africa and fulfill my dream of caring for orphans and the poor.
Maybe it happened in transition from School to Montana, or Montana to Home, or Home to Burien...I don't know, but somewhere in the midst of all my transitions, I began to doubt God, who had in my own words seemed to "peace out." In my most desperate need of him, he was no where to be found.
His "absence" lead to more doubts and more questions...and the more I questioned and doubted God, the more hopeless and depressed I became. More psychological hell; I have a problem of thinking too much, and comparing my lives to others...and in the midst of many more transitions, I finally hit rock bottom.
It was there I realized several things, but the most important being: that the more I separated myself from God, the worse I, and everything else became. I found life without God is awful. It is miserable, it is dark, it is aimless. It is pitiful and selfish. It is lonely, and never filled. It is restless and tormented. It is rude an mean. It is envious and greedy. It is broken! Even trying to be good didn't cut it. I was still empty, hollow, and miserable. There was a giant, gaping, hole in my heart - and I couldn't fill it. Every attempts to "save" my life only brought more failure and shame, more hopelessness and more confusion.
- I realized I needed Jesus. I decided right then and there, to stop doubting, to stop questioning, and to fully trust God - no matter what happens. I wish it didn't sound so cheesy - but my life has literally been transformed since then. I am filled with an indescribable peace, and I am filled with HOPE.
Why? "Because the Lord who created me loves me. Because he created me for a purpose, and he wants me to fulfill that purpose. Because the God who knows every hair on my head desires to lift me out of this dust and into his glory."
Oh, how I hope you can see - He is madly in love with you, too.
He created you for a purpose, and wants you to fulfill that purpose. He wants bring you up out of the dust...and into his Glory - smothering you love, covering you in blessings. He delights in you, and sings over you!
Future. Hopes, dreams. Crushed hope, shattered dreams. despair. Dark night of the soul. Light at the end of the tunnel....
This pretty much sums up my past year. I graduated from high school with such huge, grand plans for my life - and a rock solid trust in God. But when reality slammed me in the face, I began to doubt God's plan and tried to secure my future by going to college. It didn't work, and only made me more miserable. It ruined my summer as well, and after a tormenting period of psychological and emotional hell, I still decided I could not return to school.
The pain was unbearable. I disappointed myself, and I disappointed others. I waited to the last second to bail, and that only made it worse. I hated myself, and was pretty sure God was angry at me too.
Days after deciding not to go back to school, I heard of an internship with a great organization that worked in Africa, so following my heart, I jumped right in. It seemed perfect. I knew I needed to be brought closer to God, and my heart has always longed to care for the "least of these." This seemed like the perfect way to allow God to work on my heart right where I was at in America, and also provided a hope that in the future, maybe I could still go to Africa and fulfill my dream of caring for orphans and the poor.
Maybe it happened in transition from School to Montana, or Montana to Home, or Home to Burien...I don't know, but somewhere in the midst of all my transitions, I began to doubt God, who had in my own words seemed to "peace out." In my most desperate need of him, he was no where to be found.
His "absence" lead to more doubts and more questions...and the more I questioned and doubted God, the more hopeless and depressed I became. More psychological hell; I have a problem of thinking too much, and comparing my lives to others...and in the midst of many more transitions, I finally hit rock bottom.
It was there I realized several things, but the most important being: that the more I separated myself from God, the worse I, and everything else became. I found life without God is awful. It is miserable, it is dark, it is aimless. It is pitiful and selfish. It is lonely, and never filled. It is restless and tormented. It is rude an mean. It is envious and greedy. It is broken! Even trying to be good didn't cut it. I was still empty, hollow, and miserable. There was a giant, gaping, hole in my heart - and I couldn't fill it. Every attempts to "save" my life only brought more failure and shame, more hopelessness and more confusion.
- I realized I needed Jesus. I decided right then and there, to stop doubting, to stop questioning, and to fully trust God - no matter what happens. I wish it didn't sound so cheesy - but my life has literally been transformed since then. I am filled with an indescribable peace, and I am filled with HOPE.
Why? "Because the Lord who created me loves me. Because he created me for a purpose, and he wants me to fulfill that purpose. Because the God who knows every hair on my head desires to lift me out of this dust and into his glory."
Oh, how I hope you can see - He is madly in love with you, too.
He created you for a purpose, and wants you to fulfill that purpose. He wants bring you up out of the dust...and into his Glory - smothering you love, covering you in blessings. He delights in you, and sings over you!
The List
15.) I am again
so grateful for the magical snow! Also an amazing sermon at LBPC, health-nut
friends, a lovely run, and some delicious steamed broccolli and carrots! I am
grateful for a warm house to sit and watch snow fall...and I'm grateful for a
good phone conversation with a good friend! :)
16.) I am
grateful for a God who loves us, and who is here with us!
17.) I am
thankful for Desert Sun Tanning and Desa'ree McDaniels!
18.) I am
grateful for snow boats that keep my feet dry and warm!
20.) The possibilities of a new Job
21.) Real Macchaitos, storms, and awesome country music
22.) Peaks Frozen Custard and Mckenzie Walker!
23.) The old lady who paid for me to send my friend a package,
because I didn’t have enough money
24.) A father who will drop everything and come when I need
him
25.) Extremely
proficient academic advisors
26.) Friends and Family who surround and support us in hard
times
27.) Beautiful hikes and peaceful surroundings
28.) Thankful for being able to quit a job right away,
and not have to wait two weeks to leave
29.) The amazing hospitality, and the spunkyness of
Linda and Gordon Shaw - my temporary guardian angels while I lived with them in
Burien
30.) Long walks with my Dad
31.) I'm thankful Oswald Chamber quotes and notes
which convict and hurt me, but in the end draw me closer to God (and I’m
thankful to be back on beautiful Whidbey Island!)
Feb 1 - 32.) I’m thankful for an amazing day hiking
around deception pass with Danae Gallahar, and lovely visit with Mckenzie, and
late night runs and good conversation with Megan Hall!
33.) I’m thankful for red nail polish
34.) I’m thankful for thrift stores
35.) I’m thankful for water proof Band-Aids
36.) I am so overwhelmed with gratefulness that
God is a God who Sees, and that God is a God who cares.
37.) I am thankful that no matter how many times I don't listen or wait for God's direction, and go my own way...that when I arrive back at God's feet - he still has an amazing plan for my life!
37.) I am thankful that no matter how many times I don't listen or wait for God's direction, and go my own way...that when I arrive back at God's feet - he still has an amazing plan for my life!
38.) I’m thankful for snuggies!
39.) I am thankful for Pilates on youtube, and “Kisses
from Katie” a book. and right now, as I write this blog...I am thankful for God bringing me home.
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