Destiny

Destiny.

Future. Hopes, dreams. Crushed hope, shattered dreams. despair. Dark night of the soul. Light at the end of the tunnel....


This pretty much sums up my past year. I graduated from high school with such huge, grand plans for my life - and a rock solid trust in God. But when reality slammed me in the face, I began to doubt God's plan and tried to secure my future by going to college. It didn't work, and only made me more miserable. It ruined my summer as well, and after a tormenting period of psychological and emotional hell, I still decided I could not return to school.

The pain was unbearable. I disappointed myself, and I disappointed others. I waited to the last second to bail, and that only made it worse. I hated myself, and was pretty sure God was angry at me too.

Days after deciding not to go back to school, I heard of an internship with a great organization that worked in Africa, so following my heart, I jumped right in. It seemed perfect. I knew I needed to be brought closer to God, and my heart has always longed to care for the "least of these." This seemed like the perfect way to allow God to work on my heart right where I was at in America, and also provided a hope that in the future, maybe I could still go to Africa and fulfill my dream of caring for orphans and the poor.

Maybe it happened in transition from School to Montana, or Montana to Home, or Home to Burien...I don't know, but somewhere in the midst of all my transitions, I began to doubt God, who had in my own words seemed to "peace out." In my most desperate need of him, he was no where to be found.

His "absence" lead to more doubts and more questions...and the more I questioned and doubted God, the more hopeless and depressed I became. More psychological hell; I have a problem of thinking too much, and comparing my lives to others...and in the midst of many more transitions, I finally hit rock bottom.

It was there I realized several things, but the most important being: that the more I separated myself from God, the worse I, and everything else became. I found life without God is awful. It is miserable, it is dark, it is aimless. It is pitiful and selfish. It is lonely, and never filled. It is restless and tormented. It is rude an mean. It is envious and greedy. It is broken! Even trying to be good didn't cut it. I was still empty, hollow, and miserable. There was a giant, gaping, hole in my heart - and I couldn't fill it. Every attempts to "save" my life only brought more failure and shame, more hopelessness and more confusion.

- I realized I needed Jesus. I decided right then and there, to stop doubting, to stop questioning, and to fully trust God - no matter what happens. I wish it didn't sound so cheesy - but my life has literally been transformed since then. I am filled with an indescribable peace, and I am filled with HOPE.

Why? "Because the Lord who created me loves me. Because he created me for a purpose, and he wants me to fulfill that purpose. Because the God who knows every hair on my head desires to lift me out of this dust and into his glory." 

Oh, how I hope you can see - He is madly in love with you, too.

He created you for a purpose, and wants you to fulfill that purpose. He wants bring you up out of the dust...and into his Glory - smothering you love, covering you in blessings. He delights in you, and sings over you!